6 Tips on How to Talk to Someone who is Grieving
You may be feeling lost or stuck with what to do or say when someone you know is grieving and that’s completely understandable.
Talking to someone who has lost a loved one can be an emotive or anxiety-provoking experience for you and you may feel a pressure to ‘get it right’. However, simply being there for them and offering a listening ear can make a world of difference.
It’s important to remember that everyone is different and how they want to talk about their loss may vary too.
In this blog post, we will explore six valuable tips on talking to someone who is grieving. These tips are designed to help you to navigate these conversations with sensitivity and understanding and therefore, provide meaningful support during their time of need.
1. Take their lead
When we are grieving, our emotions can fluctuate minute-to-minute, hour-by-hour so what is helpful for them one time, may be too difficult another time.
Asking their permission about what feels okay to talk about may be helpful, for example “I want to support you, does it feel okay today to talk about *Gary or would you prefer to talk about something else?”. There may be times when they feel that it’s too painful to talk about the person who has died and that’s okay.
In taking their lead, it may also be tempting to start with asking “How are you?” but this may be hard for the person to answer. Plus, they may have been asked that question multiple times a day.
Instead, acknowledge that they may not be feeling great and ask everyday questions e.g. “I’m aware that things may be feeling really hard for you at the minute, can I make you a cup of tea or do you want to go for a walk?”.
2. Focus on their individual experience
You may feel that it’s helpful to share other people’s experience of grief to reassure them that things do get easier. However, every loss is different.
For instance, losing a baby or child can feel very different to losing a partner, which again can feel different to losing an elderly grandparent. Therefore, it may not be helpful to group these experiences together.
For some people, it may feel reassuring to understand stages of grief but everyone is different and their grief may not follow a pattern.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is one approach which posits that a person’s grief may not get smaller or less over time. ACT suggests that life around their feelings of grief expands over time which in turn, makes their loss feel more manageable in their lives.
3. Talk to them about the person they have lost
Sometimes we avoid talking about the person who has died, particularly in British culture where we may fear that we are going to make someone more upset. It’s important for the person to feel sadness and grief - it’s a normal part of being human and it will help them to process what they are going through.
When talking, it’s okay to use the name of the person who has died, particularly if they have lost a baby where their name may not have been used as much.
People who are grieving often find conversations about their loved one tail off after the funeral as people return to normality. However, allowing them space to talk about the person who has died after this point can show your support and understanding.
Also, try not to assume that talking about the person who has died will always cause feelings of sadness and pain. The person grieving may want to talk about their positive memories of the person and nice moments they shared.
4. Talk to them about normal stuff too!
Often people assume that the person does not want to hear about the nice or normal things going on in other people’s lives. It can feel incredibly painful and exhausting constantly thinking or talking about the person they have lost.
Sometimes mixing up the conversation to talk about what you normally would may be a welcomed distraction. People who are grieving may also be aware that other people are acting differently around them so talking to them as you normally would is likely to be helpful.
5. Name it if you mix up your words
When we feel pressure or sometimes if we’re not thinking, we may say something differently to how we intended or accidentally say a phrase which includes death, for instance in English you may accidentally say everyday phrases, such as “I was dead to the world” or “The idea is dead in the water”.
Acknowledge when you may have said something that could be unintentionally upsetting and if you know what you want to say then try again, for example “Sorry that came out differently to how I wanted it to, what I’m trying to say is…”.
6. And finally…remember, you won’t make it worse!
They have already lost someone close to them so your words are not going to make them feel any worse than they already feel. It’s better to talk to them about the person they’ve lost and mix up your words then never talking about them.
Knowing that you are there for them during what may be one of the hardest times of their life will be of great comfort!
Dr Becky Ashton
Hi, I’m Dr Becky Ashton, a Clinical Psychologist and founder of the Online Psychology Hub.
I believe that when you are feeling lost and stuck, you deserve therapy that is kind, easy-to-access and tailored to you during difficult times.
I’m based in London, UK but enjoy working with people across the UK and worldwide. When I’m not working, you can find me being active, exploring new places and eating homemade cookies.